This year started off with a jolt. We lost my mother in law’s mother on New Years Day. It was sudden and heartbreaking. Definitely not the way anyone wants to begin a new year. But we muscled through like we did with all of the lost that accompanied 2017. Little did we know that would be the last time any of my immediate family would spend time with my brother in law, who passed suddenly at the end of May. Just 4 days after I received my bachelor’s degree my husband called me at work to tell me Kenneth had died.
I have experienced so much loss in my life, and the loss of Kenneth has been one of the hardest. There is so much regret tied up in the loss of a sibling especially someone so young. Regret for the time you didn’t spend with them, and the things you can never say but also the pain of seeing your child suffer through something you cannot explain.
There have been happy moments this year also. I achieved the first goal on my way to becoming a nurse practitioner (I finished my bachelor’s program and started graduate school), and I discovered the path I want that career to take. I left my fancy trauma ER position and returned to my previous hospital as a PRN employee on the Med Surg floor there. I have so much love for emergency medicine, but my heart is not in the big city. I do miss all of the great nurses and friends I made in the big city, but I am thrilled to be back in my little hospital, full of so many smiling faces.
Paul’s younger brother and I have become closer this year also. Daniel and I have always gotten along but through the chaos that surrounded Kenneth’s death and the subsequent health scare that followed our bond has strengthened. In the almost 2 years of loss this family has endured we have all gotten closer. When you lose a father and a brother less than a year apart it sparks conversations you never thought you would have and causes you to reevaluate not only your life but your health. I am so grateful that I was able to be there for Paul and his family. We are much more than in-laws as we leave 2018.
The most important event of the year was the birth of my nephew, Ethan! He is perfect and precious in every way, and I intend to spoil him for the rest of my life. The road that lead to Ethan’s arrival was one paved with sorrow and grief. The loss of his big sister just 2 years earlier made the pregnancy scary for his mom and dad but also for the rest of the family. We were all there for the big day and had great fellowship before and after his arrival. Ethan is blessed with one of the most loving families you will ever meet.
This year I had the pleasure of becoming closer with my sister in law through our health and fitness journeys. Melissa is such a motivator for me to stay on course and is supportive of my writing endeavors. I am so blessed that she is in not only my life but my brother, Jonathan, and Ethan’s lives as well.
I also gained a new sister in law to be! My other little brother got engaged. Cas and Sarah are a perfect match and so much fun to be around. Waylon and I were fortunate enough to spend a few days at the beach with them this summer. We had the best time together, and I was able to get to know Sarah better. She is such a kind soul and a fabulous addition to our family.
My older brother and his family were transferred home from Italy this year also! It has been a rough transition for Aaron, Lauren, and the kids but we are all so excited they are back in the States. I am looking forward to visiting with them in 2019 since Jonathan and Aaron will be stationed in the same area later in the year! I have missed Tenor, Tenley, and Elise so much. It is difficult when so much of the family you love lives so far away.
This year has not been kind to my fitness journey, my physical and mental health has suffered. I am a stress eater, and I become lax in my workout regimen when I’m depressed. I have allowed myself to backslide right back to where I was 3 years ago. Just admitting that out loud is so hard and painful. I have felt like a complete failure so many times. But I have to remind myself that I have not failed. I have not quit, so I have not failed. And I am not in the same place I was 3 years ago, it feels that way because the number on the scale is the same, but my body and my mindset are so different. The girl that started this journey 3 years ago was very skeptical, she did not believe that she would have the success that I have had. If you had told 2015 Angie that she would go on to lose a total of 90 pounds and feel better than she ever has I am sure she would have laughed in your face. But here I stand looking at the same number on the scale, the difference is I now know I have the tools to get back to where I was, and I can be successful!
Inconsistency is the thief of progress. I am committing to consistency in 2019. Consistency in my life, my schedule, my workouts, and my eating habits. I have learned balance is a myth. You cannot expect to balance out a bad diet with exercises no matter how hard you try. You must practice consistency. Now that’s not to say I will not eat things that are bad for me ever. A girl has to have a margarita every now and then. That is saying that I will not have a treat every day, I will not have a cheat day every week, or I will have a cheat meal instead of a cheat day.
In 2019, I am going to ask myself this question before I make a poor choice, “How is this serving me?”. If it is a bad food choice, I will consider “will this fuel my body,” if it is a negative thought or behavior “how is this helping me live my best life.” I am going to live my best life in 2019. I am going to enjoy life to the fullest! Well, at least as full as a grad student can!
I challenge you today to live your best life in 2019. Life is short, we never know what is going to happen next. The next moment could be a great triumph or tragedy, but we can live this moment to the fullest.
Thank you for joining me on my journey this year, I hope you stick around to see what 2019 has in store!
My Calm Chaos 